TITEL kulturmagazin
Montag, 27. März 2017 | 12:46

Die Popkolumne aus London


Is Your One-Night Stand a Potential Serial Killer?

One-night stands can be pretty nerve-wrecking experiences. This isn’t helped by statistics which I’ve just made up suggesting that almost 40% of all one-night stands climax in rape and murder. Yes people, it’s a mad, bad world out there!. A vitally important advice by JOHN BITTLES.


Completely eschewing this type of behaviour though would make for a dull life indeed and diminish your popularity too. So what is a functional sexual being to do?

Years of meticulous research have enabled me to develop a fail-safe detection tip to reveal whether your one-night stand is a knife-wielding psycho who should be avoided immediately (unless that is the type of thing that turns you on of course).


»What is this amazing discovery which just may save my life?« you ask. Well, it’s simple really; just take a quick glance through their CD collection. Now I know exactly what you’re thinking here: in this day and age most of my one-night stands would not actually own any physical records or CDs, what with them being oh-so-modern and all.


My advice to you, if you are unlucky enough to enter a room, house, flat or dungeon where the inhabitant doesn’t own any music playing device bar his or her laptop, iPod or, even worse, their mobile phone, is to get the hell out of that situation ASAP before you, dear reader, become the next victim scratched off this crazed psychopath’s list.


Desperate to know the exact music I’ve identified that indicates the person you are canoodling with is in fact with a sick pervert or frenzied killer, who will undoubtedly strangle you before having sex with your Converse? Thankfully for you (and the rest of humanity), I have prepared a little list of the artists and tunes that ought to set your alarm bells ringing should you stumble across them in a significant other’s music collection:


Foto: JonathanLGardner
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 3.0 Foto: JonathanLGardner
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 3.0

1. Olly Murs – nothing suggests »blood-crazed ritualistic killer« as much as his sweet dulcet tones.



Foto: Josh Rhinehart
Lizenz:CC BY-SA 3.0 Foto: Josh Rhinehart
Lizenz:CC BY-SA 3.0

2. Jack Johnson


This guy or girl is the type of maniac who takes great pleasure in boring their victims to death. Avoid, unless they are particularly good looking and you are in possession of very good ear-plugs.



Foto: AVRO
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 3.0 Foto: AVRO
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 3.0



Unless they are gay! But even then be careful because this is your life we are talking about here.



4. Chaz ‘n’ Dave


Fans of these lovable cockney geezers may as well tattoo »I’m a deranged personality« on their foreheads. Either that or you’re fucking someone’s granddad. Good for you.



Foto: Jaidn
Lizenz: GNU-FDL-1.2 Foto: Jaidn
Lizenz: GNU-FDL-1.2

5. Queen


If Brian May’s hair wasn’t the work of the Devil then there is no God. Think about it!



6. Religious records


Not necessarily dangerous but you probably won’t get a shag. Cut your losses now.



Foto: J. Mueller
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 2.0 Foto: J. Mueller
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 2.0

7. One Direction


Particularly if you are not yet in possession of pubes at the time.



Foto: Henry Leirvoll
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 2.0 Foto: Henry Leirvoll
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 2.0

8. Thrash Metal


But only if they don’t have long hair! (Because what else are they hiding?)



Foto: Stefan Helbig
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 2.0 DE Foto: Stefan Helbig
Lizenz: CC BY-SA 2.0 DE

9. David Hasselhoff


Especially if they claim to actually like the music and that they haven’t just bought it in a charity shop because they were a fan of Baywatch or Knight Rider (i.e. me).



Foto: en:User:Mpawsey
Lizenz: CC-BY-SA-2.5/2.0/1.0 Foto: en:User:Mpawsey
Lizenz: CC-BY-SA-2.5/2.0/1.0

10. Adele


Which is pretty fucking scary when you consider that she has probably sold more albums than we have inhabitants in the UK …



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